Opinion: There Is No Love Without Respect
Picture this: You and your significant other meet up at his apartment for the week. Of course, you are happy and excited to see him. Wading through hustle and bustle of daily urban life is no easy task. The pressures you have at work, the dread in the news you hear every day, and everything else all become a part of your daily experience. When you finally reach him, the two of you decide to go into the city. You both have a lot of vitality in you, might as well live a little even if the world seems to be going to hell every time you turn around.
It's late in the evening when the two of you stop at a bar. Your significant other tells you that he is going to get the drinks. You tell him that you can help pay but he refuses. There is a moment when you feel a sense of dread coming on but you push it down. It is probably the alcohol you are drinking, you tell yourself. Your significant other is joking and making great conversation with the bartender and even ropes you in on the fun, even if you tend to be more reserved.
As you walk home though, your partner's mood goes from lively and jovial to irate. It happens at the drop of a hat. It is partnered with a strong disdain for a particular category of individuals. When you bring up that that is not fair the ire gets directed at you. Suddenly, you are a leech who is feeding off of his hard-earned money. When the two of you are behind closed doors, he tells you that you are ungrateful and a mess. He tells you that your friends know you are a mess, too. After all, you lost a job a couple years ago and though you put in tons of effort to recover...you are still not where you want to be in life. It gets to a point where you want to leave. You grab your things and are getting ready to go when he blocks the door in front of you. He is adamant when he says you are not going anywhere...it's not safe outside with the thugs and the crooks out at night.
If you empathize with the person above, know and understand that this is more common than any of us care to imagine. It is after all the story of many tragedies of modern life. It is juxtaposed with a heavy presence in fantasy and also in historical pieces. The abuse of a partner is a profound phenomenon that has continued to evade humanity since our species even became aware of it. Verbal abuse, mental abuse, financial abuse, and physical abuse are all common themes. Some are more prevalent than others. Some acts do not make their way to the stage at all. Yet whichever form of abuse is leading the performance, it is important to remember that regardless of who or in what form it took: abuse is abuse.
The statistics are dismaying. Even excluding the statistics regarding physical violence, mental (or psychological) and verbal abuse are prevalent in many abusive relationships. The National Resource Center on Domestic Violence quotes a study of men and women enduring psychological violence...and found that 47.1% of women, and 47.3% of men all endure some level of psychological abuse. Women are more likely to experience the levels of abuse consistently across their lifetime. The impacts of it are just as likely to affect the human psyche as the physical and financial. All too often, it is denoted as arguing, and therefore being a part of a couple. What many fail to recognize is that love and respect are essential to any relationship, and that just because the one is present doesn't mean that the other will be there too.
Love is the name of the party when every guest is present. There are several guests that are essential for the party to begin. The Seven Pilars of Character are a great place to start when it comes to maintaining healthy relationships because they are also the foundations of principles that benefit society at large. If individuals are part of a collective, what is good for them is also good for the social structure they are involved in. If we think of each Pilar as essential, we can see and understand how the breakdown and dysfunction takes place.
Trustworthiness brings essential elements such as honesty, integrity, and transparency to a situation. Fairness brings a concern for what is balanced and just in a relationship, and works to assure that neither party is being abused or neglected at the expense of the other. Responsibility assures that both parties are mutually partaking in the day-to-day affairs and that one person is not completely responsible for the maintenance and upkeep of maintaining a home, a sense of belonging, or the passion that ignited the love. Caring assures that the individuals know that they are part of a collective and their actions have consequences, both the good and the bad. Citizenship also connects a person to the wider frame and gives them a sense of community and belonging that they can turn to when they are experiencing hardship within the home-- whether that is related to abuse or the struggles of daily life.
Respect is absolutely pinnacle, and no love is complete without it. A good friend of mine once said, just because someone is good to you doesn't mean they are good for you. A person can shower you with affection and make you feel as though you are on top of the world. The fall from that pedestal when they pull out from you and verbally and psychologically abuse you is pretty high though, and the impact of the fall is jarring at best and shattering at worse. A person who respects you does not always have to agree with you. Nor will they always say the right thing. But someone who respects you knows that you are a person worthy of acknowledgment...even if it is simply a nod towards you when they notice your presence. They also communicate with you with integrity and sincerity, even if you all are in disagreement. They are also willing to acknowledge your feelings and own up when they made a mistake.
The foundation of human society is withering because we have failed to apply the basic principles that make individuals successful in their daily lives. In the push to move our daily affairs to the internet we have completely foregone the importance of our physical reality. Only when there is a crisis do we even acknowledge the need for community. Even then, we are so distracted and led astray that we can't seem to find our way.
The quality of a person is not measured by their social categories, the titles they have, or the degrees they obtained. If we look at the bigger picture, we can realize that abusive relationships are a symptom of a much larger issue in the fabric of our society. It is also one that continues to perpetuate the horrors that we see every day. All measures that attempt to address the social without acknowledging the struggles of the personal are destined for failure. It is the reason why our politicians regardless of their party-affiliation have failed to render effective leadership on the topical concerns of our generation. It is also one of the reasons why in an age where we are more connected than ever before that we are so divided. It is also why many of those who are in leadership of some of the most influential corporations and organizations continue to miss the mark.
Love without respect cannot exist. In the end, any act of kindness or generosity becomes hollow and insincere. The reality is, a lot of people do...and it pains them. It makes them sick. It also sets them apart from the community around them. Disagreement and passionate debate are common and welcome. The complete disregard for a person's humanity regardless of their category is not.
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